Were I beta reading this book, my notes would look something like:
People don't talk like that! You keep switching perspectives in the middle of the sex scenes; they weren't terribly hot to begin with, but if I have to worry about who's doing what to whom, I'm really not enjoying myself. ... This character appears out of nowhere and says things to further the plot, then never reappears. ... PLEASE STOP EXPLAINING YOUR 'MAGIC,' it just makes it LESS GOOD. PLEASE do not tell me that werewolves were created thousands of years ago by someone 'splicing DNA' and then say 'We live a thousand years because we're magic.' "Working together, X, Y, and Z finished them off," should NOT be a whole paragraph. ... That is the worst Deus Ex Machina EVER and way to make no sense, as well. Suddenly no one pays the price for anything, everyone gets their souls back, the 'Oh no, she'll get a SCAR' thing is resolved in one stupid sentence, and everyone gets to keep their superpowers while also becoming human and immortal. THE END OF HIGHLANDER MADE WAY MORE SENSE THAN THIS!
Why give minor characters better backstories than your major characters? Why tease us with a paragraph about how awesome Nick is, and then never actually give Nick a single thing to do? Why make one "good guy" really bitter and evil and then have him be redeemed by POTTERY only sort of not only sort of yes and then maybe die? Why give a character who is never explained AT ALL an evil grudge against a good guy whose secret dark past is also never explained? Why make our hero's only defining trait "repressed," and then have him scream a lot for no reason? Why make our heroine an awesomely funny flaky artist with a thing for being independent, and then ignore all of that because SOUL MATES OMG?
Just... If you have to invent a fat friend to walk by in one scene and bitch about her controlling husband so our heroine can have a moment of doubting her One True Love, can you at least make it slightly subtle? Or how about the sorta-good guy who's in a weird s-and-m relationship with a Goddess, and clearly hates her, but submits to save his buddy's soul, and then in the EPILOGUE you drop the information that they used to be really in love, but she inexplicably let him die? WHAT? WHAT KIND OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS THAT?
It's probably the worst thing ever written in the English language, but.
Grade: D minus MINUS
originally posted in 2006
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